Critical Thought

The subject of interviewing, in most people’s mind, brings about a sudden onset sensation of dread and anxiety, the likes of which are fully capable of ruining one’s perfectly good meal. And at “On the Border”, no less. In fact, I was recently talking with a good friend of mine over dinner and the subject of job hunting came up. He then proceeded to explain to me all the horrific feelings he felt at interviews, how incredibly difficult it was for him to actually even make it through the interview with composure, and how he would be shocked if the people in the room were even satisfied, much less, impressed, with his performance. I, on the other hand, have always seemed to be fairly good at pitching myself to a company, and getting a home run in return (see what I did there?). So here it is: my own, personal no bullshit guide to not just getting through, but slam-dunking interviews. Keep in mind that while some of these things may seem utterly ridiculous and even counter-productive, they work and have worked for me, and I think they’ll work for you too.

Anyway, without further ado, here are nine tips that should help you sail through your next interview:

1. The “so-so” rule: so…so uh, what I mean is…so just avoid saying “so” as much as possible, and most definitely avoid using it as the first word in a sentence.  It’s surprising to me how quickly this behavior of prefixing thoughts and statements with the passive-aggressive “so”  has permeated  the workplace – at least the IT workplace.
   

   “Hey, so, you’ve got that report ready for review at 4 o’clock, right?”

   “So, uh…I thought I had until Monday for that…”

   “‘SOA’? No, not on SOA, on ‘World Domination and All Things Evil.’”

   “So, no, I said, ‘so, uh‘”

   “So…I don’t know what you’re saying to me, but if you could have that report ready by 4, it would be great”.

   Seriously, avoid saying “so” as much as possible. While it may keep tempers down in the workplace and buy you a little time for reports, it seems as if you’re either trying to mask your incompetence or stall while you think of an answer the person wants to hear. Either way, it’s not good. Don’t do it, okay?

2. Sleep depravation plus coffee works like a charm. I know, I know, this goes against everything you ever heard growing up as kid in school about thinking clearly and about “caffeine crashes” and what not, but here’s the thing: you know that feeling of nausea you get when you feel like you’re being put on the spot ? Yes, that’s right, the feeling you’ve felt in every interview or important meeting you’ve been in – well endorphins in the brain take care of that. Think of caffeine when you’re tired as being like taking dramamine on a plane (but in reverse, kind of): endorphins make you feel relaxed and euphoric (no, this is not a Fight Club reference, it’s true). Coffee, and caffeine more directly, cause your blood vessels to dilate, resulting in a brief hour-or-so-long production of endorphins in the brain when it no longer feels tired all of the sudden, giving you clarity of thought and a relaxing feeling in your stomach. Trust me, it works. Give it a test run if you don’t believe me; there will be a “crash”, for sure, but take my word for it – it’s much easier to come down from caffeine when you’ve just nailed your interview. Use eye drops if you’re tired eyes are red, get your yawns out on the drive there, and eat a few mints. You’ll be golden.
3. Schedule two interviews almost back to back. Wow, you’re still reading? I thought I lost you on that last one for sure! Well, if you made it through no. 2, you should have an easier time with this one: yes, schedule two interviews together with each other.  Here’s the trick though: make sure the first one is for a company you don’t really care about working for. Hold on! Let me explain, sheesh. Look, here’s the thing: most people, including myself, are fairly weird in the mornings, and the morning is when most interviews take place, so do this (so was okay there! stop criticizing me): get your weirdness out during the first interview so that you’re normal during the second one – the one that you care about. This is actually much more useful than it may seem: if you’ve already been interviewed once and it was not very long ago, the questions will be in your head, the subject will be fresh on your mind, you’ll be prepped, awake and lucid (back to back means you should still be able to get my coffee trick in with some time to spare before the crash!), and you’ll remember to NOT crack your knuckles or make strange noises this time. Obviously, this is not always an option, especially if you have only one company interested in you at a time, but trust me, if you get the chance, try this tip on for size – it’s remarkably helpful.
4. Wear a nice suit. Rent one if need be. this applies to girls as much as guys: wear something NICE. Not tacky, not gaudy, but nice. It doesn’t have to be Ralph Lauren (although Ralph Lauren would be GREAT, but, expensive), but it can be Men’s Warehouse (or Liz Claiborne for you ladies). It will give you confidence in your appearance, knowing you look good – and your interviewer will have confidence in you as well, even before you utter your first syllable.
5. Get a good haircut. Cough up $50 or $75 bucks and just do it; again, contrary to popular belief, quality of hair is actually equally (sometimes more) important than quality of clothing, again, for both men and women. Presentation and demeanor is %80 of the battle. Clean up.
6. Interview back! You are doing the company as much of a favor by working for them as they are doing for you by hiring you. You’re a good employee, and you know it; you know you’re stuff, you know you’re no joke, and you know if you can get the job, you’re going to shine. This will help you get the job. Interviewers like to feel that you actually care enough about your career to make sure that you’re going to a good company. Remember: someone who cares about their career is more than likely someone who does good work. Count on the interviewer putting two and two together.
7. Relax! I know, easier said than done, right? But really – relax. Think of it as a first date in this way:  they are as nervous about you as you are about them. Keep in mind that there’s a reason you’re sitting in their conference room being interviewed – they need to hire someone! They want you to be the one; that’s why they called you. Just make sure they understand it has to be good for you, too, before jumping in the sac together. Tip number 6 will help with this one.
8. Lie. Lie through your teeth. Lie, lie, lie, and lie some more. (Still here?) Alright, I suppose I’ll have to explain this one, also. Look, the hard truth is that they don’t really care about how your morning is going, or how traffic was, or even what you did over the weekend; they shook your hand for the first time 30 seconds ago. It’s all a test of social compatibility and inner-mingling skills, and you need to pass. If the concept of not being utterly forthcoming and awkwardly truthful distresses you, think of it as an acknowledging response to a silent and coded signal of mutual understanding in the unspoken façade of breaking the ice: you can play that game, too. In fact, you wrote the fucking rule book. Be honest about your skill set and be honest about your name; leave the “small talk” answers to the creative side of your brain.
9. Wow, you made it! I can’t believe I was able to get you here, but here you are! Last one, number 9: don’t talk money. Not yet, anyway. In fact, delay talking about money for as long as possible; this is just a conversation…no, of course it’s not just a conversation, what am I, stupid? But that’s how they need to feel about you. It needs to feel natural and comfortable for them; like you couldn’t have ended up in any other interview (even if you were in one right before this one). Talk money once the job is yours to take, and even then, let them offer you something first. You should be able to tell if they’re low-balling you or not, and it’s important to know the character of the person you’re going to be working for or working with. Also, they will be much more open to negotiation and flexibility once they’re sold on you as an employee, and once they see you’re open to hearing what they think you should make. Then, shoot high, negotiate down, get to your target price, and hold. They’ll respect that, and they’ll be much more likely to meet it.

There you have it (I told you it was no bullshit). These are tips that work for me, and I feel like will work for you, too, but if you’re curious or hesitant, I recommend you try any of them out before your next job is on the line – you’ll know what works and what doesn’t.  Anyway, I hope this helps you with your next interview, and good luck!